Thursday, September 29, 2005
Refresh
I hate working!
After almost three months of working, I find myself drained, dehumanized, overworked, underpaid, starved and driven to near-insanity. Somehow I regret having chosen this career path, or this degree called math. True, I've learned a lot and appreciated it and so and so. And given a choice, I would probably find myself teaching right now, with time in my own hands. No bosses. No urgent deadlines. No demanding people. And none of those corporate clothes that make me feel choking to death.
But there it is. Life. You've gotta work hard to survive. But is it worth it?
At 20, some poeple have got to choose between hat they want and what they need to do. For some fortunate poeple, they could always have what they want. But for most, they have to sacrifice.
I feel so exhausted. Really. Both physically and intellectually. It's not easy to work from 7:30am to 7pm, then review for exams when ur home, then attend master's classes during weekends.
I feel sad because I am living a lifestyle I have always been warring about: wrong matters of consequence. I am never losing sight of the really important things, but
then again, I have responsibilities.
Sometimes I just wanna stop and take a really long break. I miss the times when I can do anything that I want without having to think of the consequences. But for some poeple, 20 years old marks the end of innocent days. At 20, I feel the weight of responsibility heavily on my entire body--every cell of it.
It's weird but most of my batchmates are on the same ground. Seemingly undecided on what path to take, uncertain of what lies ahead, tired of the lives that we chose, and I'll admit it...unhappy.
The happy-go-lucky person that I am, maybe I am not meant for the corporate world where heartless people can work endlessly without affect. I cannot thrive in an environment devoid of little things that matter. True, my job is challenging. It gives me a sense of pride. I am happy because people look up to me. But then and again, that is not what I want. I'd rather sit in a corner, unnoticed, reading a book, not having the least of troubles.
Sigh. The greatest gift God gave to man. When everything else fails, when the world lets you down, that's all you can do...sigh.
Sigh!
730 am again tomorrow. Ive got a meeting. Ive got deadlines. Ive got a lot of things to do. They never end. They never end. They never end...
I wish I could really be "forever young."
|| tope's satiated ||
9/29/2005 09:34:00 PM
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Monday, January 03, 2005
if i were an archangel i would be...
Rafael. You're most like the ArchAngel of Healing.
You want people to shape up, and you nag. But
you mean well, and you're well loved despite
it. Or because of it. You bring the donuts
even as you tell people to eat more veggies.
whew! am i not a gorgeous angel?
Which ArchAngel are you most like?
brought to you by
Quizilla
|| tope's satiated ||
1/03/2005 01:19:00 AM
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Sunday, January 02, 2005
a farewell to school
in approximately 31 hours from now, i return to what has been 80% of my life: school.
this is (hopefully) my last semester, and though i often say that i wanna get out of school asap, do i really? in a little more than three months, i will have had finished my bachelor's degree. i will have put an end to my academic career. and as this end fast approaches, i should feel happy, and yet i don't. i should feel happy because all the hard work will soon reap its benefits. but no! what i feel ryt now is far from happiness.
apprehension. though most of us hate school, come to think of it, it still is a convenient way of living. all you have to do is enrol and there you go, you have almost everything laid out.
in elementary, things were very simple. just enroll and *pop* everything is ready...books, schedule, subjects, teachers, notebooks, uniform, 1/2 crosswise, 1/2 lengthwise, 1/4 quiz pad, intermediate pad, yellow pad, and every pretty little thing elementary school has declared necessary. all we had to do was study.
high school. ahhh..i remember the days. the joy and pain of studying through the storm of adolescent living. every morning i feel like i was being sentenced to death by our stern principal who seems to have magnifying lenses in her eyes for noticing every little detail, from the small black stain in my white PE shoes to the sleeve of my undershirt that has creeped past my polo sleeve. and if that was not enough, masci has a plethora of teachers to offer. each is a character in his or her own. it will be hard to forget my music teacher whose arms doesn't differ much from my legs. i will never forget my journalism teacher who lit black (or sometimes red) candles in our classroom and heralded a thirty-minute prayer before we begin our lesson, by which time i had dozed off far, far away. it is impossible not to mention my chemistry teacher whom i blame for not learning chemistry because my attention was torn between pH levels and her false teeth on the brink of fall. i have too many HS teachers to describe it would be worthy of a separate blog. dont worry, it's coming soon. though things were harder, the bottomline is that all we had to do (again) is study.
and finally, i became an isko. they say UP prepares us for the real thing. that it is, in fact, the real thing. i disagree with the latter claim. while it is true that in UP you have to fall in line for almost everything from class card to jeepneys, deep in our hearts, we know, things will ventually fall into place. you have your curriculum, you'll know eventually you'll get STS and PI 100. if you didn't get this teacher, don't worry, there is still another sem. the point is that eventually, you will have finished it. everything is laid out for you. to a great extent, you know what to do. once more, all we had to do was to study. there is no need to belabor the point.
all had something in common. we had a sense of time then. we would expect christmas and summer breaks. we hate June and love March. we expect sembreaks. there was also this sense of going up a ladder. from Grade one, i know that if i just work hard enough, i am confident i will climb up to fourth year college.
but now what? now that i am about to bid goodbye to school, what is next but a continuum of work! now june and march will be just the same as the other months. december will be the only month ill look forward to. and the biggest dread i have is that i have to work until i die, there's no stopping it. the only way ill end working is when i die. (how morbid!)
maybe i am simply overreacting. or i do not really know what lies in the future. or my idea of a job is too narrow. or ill just miss being pampered by a school.
yes that is it. it all boils down to responsibility. i am now going to steer my own wheel, finally.
i just hope i am prepared enough to drive my own life.
|| tope's satiated ||
1/02/2005 03:18:00 AM
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Saturday, January 01, 2005
snippets of time
happy new year!!!
there goes 2004.
before i plunge into this virgin year, let me recall a few lessons learned along the way, moments that i will never forget, snippets of time that might have been too short in the measure yet changed me forever.
admittedly, 2004 would have to be the year to beat. it gave me great emotional upheavals and enlightening realizations. i learned new things about myself, transcending boundaries and risking things.
responsibility. being an officer in the up math club had been tough, yet rewarding. there are no limits to my duties. i have realized that in an organization, some people would really have to work more, and there are those who do not give a damn. really. it is physically exhausting, intellectually challenging and emotionally unnerving. do i complain? of course i do, sometimes. seeing that things are unfair, i ask myself why i do things. do i get anything at all from what i am doing? why waste my time? why go home late at night every day? why spend my weekends at school? why always stay overnight at someone else's house. why spend the little money that i have just to make sure the club survives.? why starve myself just to save some money so that i could spend another night folding Jag and Lee jeans? why neglect my undergraduate thesis (which has been lying idle at the tambayan) just to make P5000 net profit in the Adidas sale? why abandon my remaining three subjects just to do other people's responsibilities? why cover myself with grime and sweat just to paste those teasers? why suffer the humiliation when i distribute flyers and someone treats me as if i dont exist? why stay under the dangerous sun for hours just to publicize sales? why spend my christmas break to collect and create math problems? why bother myself with these troubles when i have more than enough to drive me mad?
do i complain? yes, i do. but i accept it. this is a responsibility i have assumed. i know things are VERY unfair, but things have got to be done. if no one else will do it, then i will. if i can no longer count on people's sensitivities, then so be it.
going back to my question, why do i do these things? what do i get from them? honestly, i do not know. one thing i know, i am happy with my job. i am happy with my responsibility. though tired and drained, i am proud.
love. 20 years had passed and i thought i was incapable of love. i mean, it just puzzled me that i haven't even felt what they call "spark." but that was a was. then when i almost believed that my heart cannot beat, i fell in love. love. love. love. that sweet feeling i was virgin to. it is great!!! it caught me unaware. i just found myself intoxicated with amour. i felt invigorated. i was happy that i proved myself wrong; that, after all, i am not a mere thinking machine, that my heart isn't just a muscle that supplies blood throughout my body. i am human! i am alive! it felt so good to be connected to another person. it is great to constantly think of her from the time i open my eyes unti my consciousness ebbs away. it made me forget trifle concerns. love made me smile, laugh, sing, and dance. it made me do things i never thought i can do. i realized that there are many things hidden within me. i found courage when i needed it. i found words when i am groping for them. i found strength when im failing. love transformed me totally into a person i never knew before. things will never be the same again. now i know, i am alive.
pain and bitterness. and as the year progressed, the wheel of my life turned so fast. one moment i was happy, and suddenly i found my world shattering in front of my eyes. all the smile, all the joy vanished. what i had onged for to come was suddenly taken away. i was just allowed to taste it, get addicted to it, then suddenly it was taken away from me. my heart was crushed. it was pain beyond pain. i was devastated. i felt deprived. the world is unfair. and at that time, i was at the losing end. and then, it seemed that i was stuck at the bottom of the wheel. hah, then i knew there was traffic in the roads of life. and sometimes, the traffic could be heavy. unlucky me, i was at the bottom when it happened. i was angry at life. i was bitter. i felt afraid to love again. i didn't want to love again for fear that it might occur again. i thought i was strong enough. but i wasn't
a return to sanity: friends. i thought my year would end tragically. i thought the pain would never subside. true, the pain would never be totally gone. true, she will always remain special. but somehow, i have learned to let go. bitterness and depression had clouded my eyes. and i can't be blamed. i cannot think clearly when my hear shouts in pain. but fortunately, there are other reasons for living: my friends. i am very grateful to a wonderful bunch of people who never left me despite my tantrums. thank you for never letting me down, for being there. thank you for the concern, for the care, for the love. thank you for the smiles that i needed to see. thank you for the tears that you shared with me. thank you for being strong when i was weak. they carried me through. they stayed with me. they burdened my troubles. they were there. i appreciate it. for helping me stand up again, i will never forget you. much more need to be said, but i'd rather do it. i have another year to share with you.
and that was 2005. an emotional roller coaster that widened my emotional range from that of a teaspoon (recall Hermione Granger) to at least that of a plate. i wouldn't be so bold to claim i am tough or i am mature. but i can claim that i have been tougher and more mature. i have been changed.
i do not know what this new year will bring. i am both scared and excited for another ride at the roller coaster.
happy new year!!!
|| tope's satiated ||
1/01/2005 03:03:00 AM
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Friday, December 31, 2004
appearances
there.
ive just finished (well, almost) styling my blog. it looks better than the old one.
whew, i can't believe i just spent three nights editing HTML codes, groping through unknown tags and luckily finding my way through. i am proud of my work, considering that my HTML knowledge is so meager.
it's funny that people care about appearances too much. and blogging is a techie example of modern consciousness with appearances. i can't help but smile at the thought that i've been spending rather precious time on how my blog would look than what it contains. look! this is just my third entry.
well you caught me red-handed. it's true. i admit it. i do care about appearances.
but, and that's a big BUT...
i don't stop at that. while appearances matter (i've accepted this unfortunate reality), i am mature enough to look beyond. i know of some people who would rather die than be ugly. funny way of thinking really, and well i have to say pathetic. i cant believe some people could be that narrow-minded. anyway, it isn't my problem. it's just sad when you see them criticize people on the basis of appearances.
and as such, i won't allow my blog to be a mere pretty blogskin without substance.
i hope i had started to make sense.
|| tope's satiated ||
12/31/2004 03:31:00 AM
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Tuesday, December 28, 2004
galleons galore
finally, my stipend has arrived yesterday. kaya ayun, i spent lavishly kahapon. hehe, bumili ako ng interview with the vampire. baka bumili din ako ng the vampire lestat sa sunod na punta ko sa mall. yun lang ang ginawa ko this entire day, magbasa. gumising ako around 12 noon para kumain, then tulog ulit. then nagising ako uli at 6 pm na. d pa nga ako naliligo eh. tomorrow na lang. mabango naman ako eh. hehe. nagbasa lang ako ng book since then tapos eto ngayon blogging. pinag-aaralan ko pa kung paano pagagandahin ang aking blag. ive been searching for a really cool blogskin that fits me pero wala pa akong nakikitang swak na swak talaga.
one week na lang pasukan na naman. ayoko pa waaaaaahh!!! kasi naman going back to school means sleepless nights na naman at sangkatutak na gawain, not to mention that ive neglected my thesis. naiwan ko kasi sa tambayan attinatamad akong kunin. plus there's the upcoming wizard pa. plus there's also our treport sa fil 40 na kailangang multimedia ang presentation.
for the meantime eh ill enjoy muna this christmas break. masarap atang kumain at matulog. oink! oink! hehehe
|| tope's satiated ||
12/28/2004 10:27:00 PM
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Monday, December 27, 2004
reawakening
welcome to my new journal!!!
i left my tabulas since that was so full of bitterness. well it's christmas anyway and i dont want to end the year with such a lonely blog. so here it is...
happy reading!!!
|| tope's satiated ||
12/27/2004 08:05:00 PM
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